Toilet rant

Anyone who's ever been into a public toilet in Malaysia will attest that the local women need to be toilet trained.

I'm not being crude. I think during my first trip overseas, it wasn't the blue skies, the smiling locals or the cute furry marsupials that impressed me.

It was their toilets.

The floor was clean and dry! There was ample toilet paper! There weren't any footprints on the seats! There weren't any gross Unidentified Floating Objects in the toiletbowl! The door could actually be locked!

I did actually once find a frog in the loo somewhere near Cairns. No, I didn't flush. I'm so nice.

I thought I was in heaven. As it turned out, that wasn't an anomaly. Even those restrooms in the middle of nowhere along the Pacific Highway were incredibly clean and unvandalised, with fluffy, full rolls of toilet paper.

In fact, I've always wondered if there's a mysterious Toilet Fairy that keeps the supplies going. Especially when you consider the nearest town is about a two hour drive away.

Toiletus Faeriealis

I can't understand why people can't just not spray the water everywhere when they douche. (Actually, I just wish they wouldn't douche) The handheld bidet seems only to be commonly used in Malaysia. If the neighbouring countries have the same archaic practice, they're quite neat about it. The only foreign places with yucky loos appear to be the airports, no doubt the handiwork of ugly Malaysians.

Everytime I lower myself on an unfamiliar seat, there's always some fear at the back of mind that my bum might encounter a wet rim. I mean, I know it's likely to be water from some inconsiderate douchebag who well, douched.

But of course, the first thing that comes to mind wouldn't be water, would it? I'd picture the bacterial flora and fauna saturated in urine and faeces from the last user's hairy, smelly ta-ta, clinging to my skin.

And if the douchebag squatted on the bowl, well tough luck.

Worse still, some of these people not only wet the seat, but also the entire cubicle floor. The dirt from everyone else's shoes get into the puddles, upping the gross factor by a gazillion times.

Public lavatories appear to encourage creativity in users. Just look at the graffiti and futuristic deconstruction for example. I also don't get it - why don't people flush? Does the tug of the lever expend so much energy? Are they so proud of their byproducts that it's necessary to display them? Turd trophies, anyone?

Sigh. Even in the new, nice, shiny malls, the toilets only remain pretty for so long. Maybe there should be public service announcements on the art of toiletting. Oh wait, there are such things. Just look at all the instructions pasted on the cubicle walls.

How to use a Malaysian toilet