The plastic stick in my arm

Okay girls and boys, today we talk business: birth control. Whilst we will not speak of the act that necessitates the procedure, I shall talk you through my experience with Implanon.

After a bit of research, I decided upon it because:

a) It's the most cost effective: AUD290 for 3 years, with AUD130 reimbursed by Medicare.
b) No other steps necessary: Most oral contraceptives need to be taken daily, in a timely fashion.
c) Has 0.02% chance of failure.

I had a half hour consultation with a very nice doctor at the Gold Coast Women's Health Centre and had a surgery scheduled for the next Monday in spite of my doubts. The list of possible side effects is ridiculously long; I was in a happy place, physically and mentally and did not wish to rock that boat.

Come Monday, C came along dutifully for the obligatory hand holding. Whilst the implant itself is only about 4cm long, the applicator comes with a DO NOT BE ALARMED BY SIZE OF APPLICATOR warning.

I was duly alarmed.

The anaesthetic shot was quite painful. C's enthusiastic exclaimations of horror were most unhelpful. I cringed and looked the other way. Now, anaesthesia and I occasionally don't get along (i.e. Lasik surgery), so I was relieved to feel nothing during the actual insertion but C's firm grip on my left ankle.

Only after I got over the queasiness of having a foreign object in my body, did I permit C to describe in great detail, how the applicator looked probing around through my skin (really gross, huge and invasive - see bruise below).



Jan: Can I drive home?

Doctor: Of course!

Jan: ...

Doctor: ... I mean you can't do any cooking or housework for a week.

Jan: A month?

Doctor: I mean, a month. Right.

C: I'll take care of her. (He made me instant noodles for dinner.)

Anyhow it's been about six weeks or so now.

The little dot is the extent of my scarring

Pros

- Not preggers


Cons (all chronic - some days I'm totally fine)

- Weight gain: Yet to be quantified because I illogically enough, believe that knowing the actual number will realise the gain. But my shorts which could previously be removed sans unbuttoning is now tight. I do believe much of this is water retention though - the day to day fluctuation is simply too great to be actual fat.

- Joint pain: Mostly my left wrist, now extended to several fingers. One morning, I couldn't even squeeze the toothpaste out. Ibuprofen to the rescue!

- Headache: Only occured twice so far. But completely debilitating - I spent two whole days in bed.

- Acne: Slightly worse than before.

- Bleeding: This is the worst one. According to some forum posts, it's not uncommon for some women to experience it for the entire duration of the implantation. My doctor had assured me mine was unlikely to be bad, given my size and normal period cycle. WRONG. Like everything else, it comes and goes. But mostly stays. Now I just gaze wistfully at the ivory 300 threadcount Egyptian cottons. A girl still can dream.

Conclusion: I'm lazy; it was the right choice for me. Another common side effect is depression. Strangely enough, C claims that I'm a lot more cheerful now (though it's more likely due to the fact he met me when I was PMS-ing and heartbroken).