The maternal script

(Almost) every phone conversation with my mother starts/ includes a handful of the following phrases, which cover a large portion of Asian Maternal Concerns About Their Female Offspring Residing On A Different Continent With A Man Twice Her Age:

"Are you any fatter?" or alternately, if she sees a recent picture of me on Facebook (yes, my mother has Facebook!), "Girl, why are you so thin now!?"

"Are you any darker?"

"Have you had your period?"

"Have you been going to church?"

"What did you have for dinner?" (She usually calls in the evening)

"How is X?"

"You know what your insert relative did? insert juicy gossip + a few exaggerations."