Behold the nerd

The Top 100 books as per BBC. I finished 28 books, and 3 others partially, so does that count as 29? Am a wee disappointed some other awesome stuff didn't get through the list though.

I've heard many good things about Anna Karenina though. I shall get to that soon.

1. The Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien [Snore. Couldn't get past 3 pages.]
2. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
3. His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman
4. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams [Highly recommended if you love nonsensical philosophy like me.]
5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, JK Rowling
6. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee [I cried and cried and cried.]
7. Winnie the Pooh, AA Milne [...and the Hundred Acre Woods.]
8. Nineteen Eighty-Four, George Orwell
9. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, CS Lewis
10. Jane Eyre, Charlotte Brontë
11. Catch-22, Joseph Heller [I laughed and laughed and then I cried.]
12. Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë
13. Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
14. Rebecca, Daphne du Maurier
15. The Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger [Juvenile and self-absorbed. Yawn.]
16. The Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame
17. Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
18. Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
19. Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
20. War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy
21. Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell
22. Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling
23. Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling
24. Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling
25. The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
26. Tess Of The D'Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy
27. Middlemarch, George Eliot
28. A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving [John Irving is always reliable. The World According to Garp is amazing too.]
29. The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck
30. Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll ["I'm late! I'm late!"]
31. The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson
32. One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel García Márquez
33. The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett
34. David Copperfield, Charles Dickens
35. Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl [I fantasized about the roast meal in a gum for months and months.]
36. Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson [Got it for my birthday but never read it.]
37. A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
38. Persuasion, Jane Austen
39. Dune, Frank Herbert
40. Emma, Jane Austen
41. Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery [I read and re-read the whole series.]
42. Watership Down, Richard Adams
43. The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
44. The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
45. Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh
46. Animal Farm, George Orwell
47. A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
48. Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy
49. Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian
50. The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher
51. The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett [Ananth and I used to watch and re-watch this video when we were kids. He hung himself from a ceiling fan when he was 14.]
52. Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck
53. The Stand, Stephen King
54. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
55. A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth
56. The BFG, Roald Dahl [The Big Friendly Giant!]
57. Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome
58. Black Beauty, Anna Sewell
59. Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer
60. Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky
61. Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman
62. Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden
63. A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
64. The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough
65. Mort, Terry Pratchett
66. The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blyton [My brother has yet to forgive me for giving away all his Enid Blyton books. For the last time Bro, I said I was sorry!]
67. The Magus, John Fowles
68. Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
69. Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett
70. Lord Of The Flies, William Golding [I watched the movie in sick fascination though.]
71. Perfume, Patrick Süskind [Ditto above.]
72. The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, Robert Tressell
73. Night Watch, Terry Pratchett
74. Matilda, Roald Dahl
75. Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding
76. The Secret History, Donna Tartt
77. The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins
78. Ulysses, James Joyce
79. Bleak House, Charles Dickens
80. Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson
81. The Twits, Roald Dahl [I loved this as a kid. Clearly this contributed to my twisted psychology somehow.]
82. I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith
83. Holes, Louis Sachar
84. Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake
85. The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy [Really beautiful.]
86. Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson
87. Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
88. Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons
89. Magician, Raymond E Feist
90. On The Road, Jack Kerouac
91. The Godfather, Mario Puzo
92. The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel
93. The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett [I tried, but his style is just so grating. I don't know why.]
94. The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho [Overrated. Snore.]
95. Katherine, Anya Seton
96. Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer
97. Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel García Márquez [The book was amazing but I didn't realise why X's sister raised an eyebrow at me when I said so, until I watched her copy of the movie. She probably thinks I'm a sex maniac now. Boobs galore!]
98. Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson
99. The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot [Anne Hathaway looked so cute with the John Howard eyebrows.]
100. Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie [I made it halfway through in spite of the lack of punctuation, but the library wouldn't further renew my loan. But the event of reading it was life changing in other ways.]

Odds and ends

The One with the Dress
I made a dress. Yes people! I. Can. Sew. Oh alright, I cheated. It's basically like I. Can. Bake. but only with cake mixes. Remember how I tried on the Le Sac Dress in Oxford St but I was too cheap to pay AUD64 for a sack it didn't fit? Well I finally now found time to make it. The material (which was originally a size 10 Sussan skirt) itself I got from Salvos for AUD7. I then headed to Spotlight to get some ribbons (I just get lost in there with all the patterns, textures and colours. Ooh, and sequins! I'm like the fabric-loving version of a glutton in a cake shop). Unfortunately, I had no idea how long a yard was, and happily returned home, purchase scrunched up in my bag. To my horror, the limp little piece of ribbon could hardly encircle itself around my big fat head.

I made do with another sash at hand and unstitched the sides of the skirt, threaded the cloth through the waist and sewed it over. Thankfully, the dark fabric hid my hideous stitching. Then I put it on and drove over to Spotlight again to find proper ribbons. I entered the store at 4.58pm and the security lady barked, "Closing in two minutes!"

"Running! I'm running!" I ran. And bought 3 metres worth of black ribbon.

And that, is how I got this dress, which by the way, has invited four compliments so far.

The One with the Meat
X has this elderly lady client who absolutely adores him. I haven't met her because apparently, she is an Asian-basher, presumably with her walking stick. Every week without fail, X returns home from her place with wine and fruitcake (which I hate). So anyway, she goes to the surf club every Wednesday and buy AUD40 in raffles. And she won something like six months' supply in lamb, beef, sausages, chicken etc etc. She hardly touches meat, so it all came to us. The freezer is completely packed now.

We are doomed to be carnivores for the next half year. I had steak for dinner yesterday and a steak sandwich for breakfast and the one photographed is my steak sandwich lunch.

Guess what we're having for dinner?

The One with the Dust
Earlier in the week, a massive dust storm spread from the deserty bit of South Australia and hit most of the east coast. One minute the sky was blue and the next, it was like this. My colleagues choked and sneezed and rushed to seal the windows. I, having been conditioned by the annual Indonesian haze, was fine.

News reports say it's the worst dust storm ever, with 1 million tons of dust being circulated. The airports were closed and stuff. I had to drive home squinting.

The One with the Baby
We gathered at the Greentree's to celebrate Phoebe's first birthday. She happily mashed up her cake, which was pretty and pretty tasty by the way.

The bowl in the centre contains smoked oysters, which are YUM.

A real barbeque fire! Our host laughed when I did a Japanese (and of course, I got mistaken for one again by this nice Hongkie lady) and photographed it. I am so jakun.

The One with Funny Animals
Ghostsharks are like unicorns. Only the horn is a boner, not bone.

I ♥ dinosaurs.

Getting back 3.25 hours a day is nice

So most of you will be able to infer that I've switched jobs recently, though 'switched jobs' would be somewhat inaccurate. I left Old Job because there was too much politicking going on, without any plan in mind. Then 2 days later, I received an email from an acquaintance about a job she'd enquired on my behalf about 5 months ago. I'd completely forgotten about it and as it turns out, New Job and I are a pretty good match.

This time, I get out of bed around 8.15am. I shower the night before because in the humid spring weather, my hair gets super frizzy post-wash. I clean my teeth and face, put on make up (I suspect my new foundation is the cause of the recent outbreak breakout). Like Old Job, I wear whatever I want (New Boss has a tattoo and nose ring and has given me her blessing to dye my hair pink), but as we haven't moved into the official building and are working from her home, flip flops are permissible.

I leave the house around 8.30am. Any earlier is too early; any later, I get stuck in school traffic. I drive for about 25 minutes up a Valley. The road is very windy. My cornering skills are challenged every other minute or so. But it's an incredible drive - I see geese at the park and in the lakes. I see cows chewing and regurgitating and chewing and regurgitating and chewing and regurgitating and chewing and regurgitating in the fields. The camphor laurels create a soothing green canopy over the roads. I drive into flocks of pigeons/ gallahs and a magpie or two.

I turn off the main road up a very steep road and turn left to another one even steeper (I once took a walk down this road to clear my head. BIG MISTAKE. It took me forever to walk back up again, drenched in sweat.) I used to park in her yard but all the decorative boulders in her garden have kissed my bumper. Now I just park a little further up the road where the incline has tapered off.

Sake (like the wine) the dog barks at me. He was rescued from a pound and is still harbouring a fear of abuse. I look for my colleagues and we start on a new task. Wwoofers, mostly young European men, wander around the garden, tools in hand.

Lunch is done hovering over the laptop, chicken and avocado sandwich in hand. New Boss is certain my zits and eczema are caused by my less than healthy diet (Cadbury bars for breakfast!). She is determined to convert me to a vegetarian/ organic diet. I demur but she keeps cutting up fruit for me and I tend to munch anything within an arm's length radius.

This might be a losing battle on my part.

We work until 4.00pm, where the men deliver the kids home. There are three in all. Very cute little things. I awkwardly pet them and try not to trod on them when they crawl around on the floor.

I might stay back until 5.00 or 6.00pm, depending on the workload. I signed up for a three day workload but usually end up working half a day from home anyway. New Boss has requested I put in another day, something that will probably put a damper on my plans to learn French.

The censors get creative

This is really amazing. If only the Malaysian censors were equally spot on. No actual nudity, but probably not safe for work.

SWELL

There's a nice beach side sculpture fest going on at Currumbin Beach at the moment, from September 11 - 20. Last week, I headed over for a sneak preview. I'll be going again today for lunch with The Lady Who Got Me The New Job (caps to indicate reverence). I shall grade them with my professional art experience and witticisms, having won First Prize in Art during Standard 1, even though Ye Lao Shi said I wouldn't because the pencil sketching is showing under the paint! (True story)


MISS: I wouldn't recommend standing there too long. Unless a cute backpacker named Marco is beside you, but damn he's aloof. What happened to the amorous Italian stereotype?

MISS: But only because the fat dude ruined the moment.

HIT: This is Currumbin Rock. It's usually a sedate rock-y colour and surrounded by budding surfers. It was here I first vowed to never mount a surfboard again.

On a closer look, I discover it's not alien fungus after all. These are the bottoms of plastic bottles, painted and cut. Very third grader, but the overall effect is awfully cute.

HIT: Scrap metal bike.

HIT: Giant bronzed feet with vague yet conspicuous religious connotations. These are huge! I tried taking a picture of my own foot with them, but being 5' tall has blessed me with stumpy legs that don't reach far enough. Well anyway, my foot would be about the length of the little toe.

HIT: How can anyone not love the giant band aid? If you squint, you'll notice they even thoughtfully put a giant cotton pad in the middle.

SO/SO: Metal lady with awkward breasts and unlady-like seating habits.

MISS: Made me think of a vacuum cleaner from the 70s, when I was a wee little egg sitting patiently in my mum's left ovary (I've got a 50% chance of getting it right anyway). Unless she's got a third one... Mum? MUM!

HIT: Creepy fetal bronze thing with extremely anti abortionist feel to it, that says your babies WILL HAUNT YOU.

HIT: I like it though it makes me think of crappy reality shows like Dancing With The Has-Beens Stars or Australian Idol.

MISS: I suppose it would look better mounted on a wall. Before I finally got the hick family to move it, the fish were surrounded by about 15 children and 3 adults. I guess the first criterion for exhibits would be durability. Please tick YES or NO for the following: 'Is your sculpture child proof and likely to survive curious fingers?' 'Is it possible you will face legal action if the pointy edges happen to stab some kid trying to hang off it and it's YOUR fault because you didn't put some obvious sign like DO NOT HANG OFF GIANT FISH, FINS MAY STAB YOU IN THE FACE?' Remember hot coffee at Mc Donalds? Or was it tea?

MISS: Also probably more suited for wall mounting, me thinks.

HIT: My boss' favourite (but she's a sucker for all things heart-shaped). It is cute though. You have no idea how long I had to wait out couples posing behind it and getting the DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) to take a picture of them acting cute behind the frame.

HIT: I kind of like it though the wheels spoil the effect a bit. Maybe a wavy sheet of metal instead?

HIT: My personal fave. The whole world on a tree thing is supposed to send out some tree-hugging message, I guess.

The queerest conversation I've ever had

... was discussing the pros and cons of a vibrator with the saleslady in an adult shop. The queerness is magnified by the fact that:

a) Said vibrator is lilac ("Do you have it in any other colour?" "Well, we sold out the pink ones.")
b) She urges you to 'feel it'.

And then you wonder if there are any left out on the counter for sampling purposes and if they clean it after and how (similar to the concept of my once seeing a Breast Enhancement Gel in a departmental store counter with a Please Try Me sign and no fitting room in sight, but more explicit).


This previously blocked memory was resurfaced by Jenny's recent entry discouraging the use of ----- on her site. And Mum, if you're reading this, I didn't buy it. Obviously, I'm still a virgin. *cough*

Inane conversations

I rediscovered the joys of MorphThing.

With Jenny,

jenny says:
can i see the photo you used to do that?
hehe

janbanks.blogspot.com says:
but i missed it
my own photo?
or his?

jenny says:
both!

janbanks.blogspot.com says:
um ok
hang on

jenny says:
cos the kids that i make using that thing
turn out like ALIENS

janbanks.blogspot.com sends:
Cancel(Alt+Q)

janbanks.blogspot.com says:
heheheh
hayden turned out alright

jenny says:
yeah the real thing was ok
but i'm still wondering if i should trust that program and try again

janbanks.blogspot.com says:
lol
r u ready?

jenny says:
to try morphthing again?

janbanks.blogspot.com says:
for another baby!!
omg!
i know why u want my pic now!
u'r trying to hv a baby wif me!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOO

jenny says:
well i wasn't thinking of it, until YOU put the idea into my head
but, actually, i fear we will not work out my dear
as you live in another continent
btw that's a really really HUGE pic
it takes ages!

janbanks.blogspot.com says:
lol
well
the beauty of our future child is worth it


With WKS,

janbanks.blogspot.com says:
hehe
cute or not, our kid??

Fabien~Imperfections Extraordinaire says:
cute
lovely

janbanks.blogspot.com says:
tq tq
if u giv me dowry now
i marry her off to u when she is 18
LOL

The indecent proposal was interrupted by a power failure. Lucky for my unborn offspring.

The things we do

"Before I could get it together enough to form a sentence, or even to just yell a simple "no," she patted the gauze down and ripped it off. The pain was sort of insane. It felt like my soul was torn from my body. And you know, when you get your soul torn from your body, you don't really want it exiting through your asshole."

I actually laughed out aloud reading this. At the same time, I was overwhelmed with empathy having experienced the similar trauma situation a few years ago.

Like truth, honesty hurts. A little.

I received a little surprise this morning. Previous Employer had paid me a fortnight's wages, in spite of the fact I'd left my job 3 weeks ago. Quite frankly, the money would have been nice. I spent about $2,000 this month, for the car registration, the flight tickets, computer repairs, the electricity bill and other miscellaneous bits and bobs I'd been putting off for yonks (read: I am poor).

BUT! my extremely vocal conscience refused to let me rest. I would make such a smooth lousy criminal.



From: Jan
Subject: RE: Payroll error
To: Melissa
Cc: CEO@XXXXcollege.qld.edu.au
Received: Monday, 7 September, 2009, 1:34 PM


Dear Melissa,

How have you been? Payroll used to be your domain before being outsourced to ADP; I checked my account this morning and found that $XXXX had been credited to it, under the College's account on 04/09/2009. I tried checking the ADP website, but was unable to log on. I assume this means all my details have been terminated, so I'm a little confused how this mistake occurred.

How would you like me to return this money? I can debit it back to the College, but can't remember the banking details.

Thanks!

Regards,
Jan



*smacks conscience*

Oh yeah, God does exist

The maternal script

(Almost) every phone conversation with my mother starts/ includes a handful of the following phrases, which cover a large portion of Asian Maternal Concerns About Their Female Offspring Residing On A Different Continent With A Man Twice Her Age:

"Are you any fatter?" or alternately, if she sees a recent picture of me on Facebook (yes, my mother has Facebook!), "Girl, why are you so thin now!?"

"Are you any darker?"

"Have you had your period?"

"Have you been going to church?"

"What did you have for dinner?" (She usually calls in the evening)

"How is X?"

"You know what your insert relative did? insert juicy gossip + a few exaggerations."