The (semi) grown up's Tamagotchi

DISCLAIMER: This article is meant to be humourous and is not commissioned by any of the companies mentioned. Share trading can be risky and should be performed with the advice of, or via a licensed broker.

Recently, I've gotten into trading shares. I started becoming aware of investments at the age of 18. Upon realising I was getting peanuts from FD accounts, I dumped a large sum of money into unit trusts (also known as mutual funds locally).

It was a disaster. I made something like a 10% return over 6 years. It might have done me more good to have it deposited. Of course, this was also my fault for never bothering to read my monthly statements, confident that time = money, therefore the longer I left the money sitting, the more sex they would have and the more baby monies they would produce.

Clearly my perception of the financial reproduction cycle must be skewed. Or perhaps Papa and Mama money were barren. Or homosexual.

Yet I remain undeterred. After a whole series of dramatic events in my life, I suddenly awoke to a rather strange fact.

I miss finance.

I miss audit. I miss the quiet orgasm of balancing balance sheets. Of investigating investments. Of suggesting suggestions for improvement. I miss looking at large sums with seemingly infinite zeroes whilst trying not to compare them to my comparatively miniscule salary.

If you didn't realise I was a nerd before, I don't think you can possibly fail to now.

Although my current job still has me dealing with figures, commercial work is very different from a professional job. So I announced my resignation two weeks ago and am serving my last week of notice.

(No, I haven't found another job. Leave me your email address if you want to hire me. I'm smart and have a 34-24-34 figure.)

Anyway. Having surfed the ASX website obsessively, I still lacked practical knowledge of share trading. LZ uses CommSec and suggested I look around for a cheaper deal. I found Bell Direct, liked the happy orange font and registered with them.

I'm kidding. These guys are amazing. It's user-friendly and chock-a-block full of interesting information. I still lack local knowledge, so I rely on the Consensus Recommendation tool a lot. But if you're not a complete idiot, it's got everything you need to research every publicly listed share. The customer service is efficient. And it's only $15 per trade.

I am obsessed. I went through an eBay and etsy period where I couldn't stop myself from buying fashion accessories (rocking horse pin, qi pao, Moschino backpack). It got to this point where X would come home, look at my guilty face and ask, "What have I bought now?" (His PayPal account is linked to his Visa, so I used to borrow it.) Now it's shares. At least they don't take up closet space. Though each transaction can buy me a (low end) Chanel bag/ Carla Zampatti coat/ lots of designer underwear/ endless pretty chiffony stuff from Forever New.

And after the high of buying them, it's like looking after a baby. Minus the diaper changing and cracked nipples. For those from my generation, you might remember the Tamagotchi. That stupid little toy you carry around everywhere in case your dinosaur does a poo/ gets hungry/ needs a nap, then beeps non stop until you do something? Well the shares are something like that. They sometimes need buying/ holding (like hugging)/ selling. They don't beep either (← major plus point).

I feel like a proud parent, watching my little portfolio grow. Sniff.